Grand Strategies of Relationships

By: Tray Tankersley, LMFT

Although dangerous to make a universally true declaration, I am willing to take the risk with this axiom:  all people have attachment strategies. What this means is that all of us have our individual means to maintain connection relationally with others. When an important attachment, like one with a spouse, seems jeopardized because of conflict, possible conflict or a whisper of disappointment or anger all of us have our proven (to us) “move” to keep the bond or attachment safe and intact.

The overly simple categorization of these strategies places them in just two boxes. One of those boxes contain people who, when an issue arises in the relationship, they are going to pursue resolution, no matter what it takes. They have committed themselves (and their closest relationships) to that same path of bringing the issue to the proverbial table, sharing their beliefs, thoughts, emotions concerning the issue and ensuring that they get what they need - resolution.

In the other box reside people who see themselves as being able to “go with the flow,” not make a big deal out of everything and even not make a big deal out of anything, if possible. Sitting at the aforementioned proverbial table is intense for these folks, something they would prefer to avoid. Sharing beliefs, thoughts and emotions only happens when forced by cajoling and nagging (pleading and begging). And when pushed hard enough for long enough, the emotions come, oh, do they ever! And the very thing (the emotional eruption) that these persons had been trying to avoid happens. Then they see it - hurt and pain rest in the face of their loved one.

The motivation in the person who wants to deal with the issues that arise centers around making the relationship work. This is his way of fighting for the relationship.

The motivation in the person who wants to stay away from high-pressure, emotional conversations and interactions centers around making the relationship work. This is her way of fighting for the relationship.

Each of them have their way of protecting the relationship, making the relationship work, keeping the bond secure. Each of them have their own attachment strategy. Obviously, what makes it hard is that their attachment strategies are different! This is a big contributor to the marriage dissatisfaction. However, having disparate attachment strategies is not the sole reason for marriage unhappiness.

Think about it - even if you and your spouse had the same attachment strategy, this is no guarantee that the relationship would not have disappointment. If you both withdrew from conversations during tension-filled moments, you can see how this would not automatically lead to marriage bliss.

So, the solution is NOT that spouses be more aligned in their strategies. The solution is NOT that your spouse would become more like you. The solution is NOT to change your spouse, or to get the therapist to change your spouse.

The solution is a secure attachment bond where each spouse confidently TRUSTS the other to safely respond to them, and to do all they can to meet the clearly articulated needs of each other.

Part of TRUST is believing the best about another. So, a step towards building TRUST is that rather than seeing a spouse’s shutting down as a negative behavior, with a malicious intent to hurt, you see it more positively - as an attachment strategy deployed by your spouse as an attempt to keep the relationship safe. Rather than seeing a spouse’s relentless pursuit as a negative behavior, with a malicious intent to inflict pain through attacking, you see it more positively - as an attachment strategy deployed by your spouse as an attempt to keep the relationship healthy.

PRO TIP - A reframe intervention is simple, conceptually. But that does not mean it’s easy to do, especially in moments of heightened anxiety. Reframes require emotionally regulated thinking, openness, curiosity and an ability to question assumptions. A brain not animated by anxiety can do it!