“I’ve Been Re-framed”

​By: Tray Tankersley, LMFT

Powerful, efficacious and ubiquitous describe the therapeutic intervention, reframing. Additionally, the intervention name communicates the intuitively obvious goal of a clinical reframing. Simply put, when a therapist reframes in session, she encourages and challenges her client to view a behavior, an event, a circumstance differently.

When I am able to provide a good reframing intervention, clients will respond with “I never thought about it like that” or “I need some time to reflect.” By the way, it is not because of my or any other therapist’s intelligence that leads to a reframing for the client. The primary reason therapists can reframe in session is because they possess just enough emotional distance from the given situation. When a human being is “in the thick of it,” under stress and pressure, feeling anxious or concerned, the brain becomes less elastic and nimble. Instead, the brain becomes more restricted, more rigid, less open to alternatives and possibilities. Biologically, brain flow to our brain restricts and our ability to identify other options degrades.

Reframes target interpretations of life events. Part of being human includes our attempts to interpret life events, to “make sense of” our lives and what is happening around us, to us, or in us. And when it comes to the most important relationship in our lives - the one with our spouse - making sense of interactions and communications is obviously critical. We cannot help but feel compelled to understand as fully as possible what our spouse is saying or doing.

When insecurity and a lack of cohesion invade a marriage bond, the stress and pressure increase. And remember what I wrote earlier, the added strain, biologically, make humans less open to alternate possibilities. Thus the meaning-making spouses do with each other in times of stress gets colored by the shakiness in the attachment. Spouses draw conclusions (make sense of/interpret) without much reflection and without capacity to challenge their narratives - narratives influenced by insecurity, lack of cohesion and connection, and an inability to believe the best about the spouse.

My clients who may be reading this article will recognize verbiage I use consistently in sessions - “this was the story you told yourself…” I use that phrase with clients as an attempt to help raise their awareness of the differences between what happened (or what was said) and the story they told themselves about what happened or what was said. I am challenging the client to differentiate the event from their interpretation of the event. With this line of intervention, I am additionally challenging clients to distinguish between emotions they felt during an incident and the meaning “they made” (their interpretation) of the interaction.

Quite possibly, the often unquestioned meaning one spouse attributed to a comment, interaction or behavior ends up being incorrect. For instance, the meaning you gave to your spouse’s withdrawal from the conversation was she does not care about you, about your feelings or thoughts, or your perspective.

A reframe might look something like - she withdrew from the conversation because she hoped some distance between the two of you might help you calm down, give you space and time to regulate your emotions and process internally without her being too close to you (because, after all, she seems to be the source of your angst and negative emotions). So rather than seeing her withdrawal as a negative behavior, it is reframed as a positive step taken by your spouse as an attempt to keep the relationship intact and to even be of help to you.

PRO TIP - A reframe intervention is simple, conceptually. But that does not mean it’s easy to do, especially in moments of heightened anxiety. Reframes require emotionally regulated thinking, openness, curiosity and an ability to question assumptions. A brain not animated by anxiety can do it!