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survival of the family: Part 1

3/31/2020

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By: M. Diane Pearce, MFT, Legacy Strategy Clinical Director

It appears that we are all in a position to fortify our "shelter in place!" After COVID-19 cases begin to subside in our nation, perhaps we can all move forward with a renewed appreciation for our family. Perhaps, even in spite of the likelihood of COVID-19 intensifying the risks for divorce, abuse and domestic violence reports. We have all broken from our learned ‘normal’ rhythm of living together. The stress of more time with our families, more anticipated responsibilities and financial tension can cause the strongest to feel overwhelmed.

How do we survive these unprecedented circumstances with our Families intact?
How do we keep intact the family and what family was created to be in the midst of our uncertainty?

Perhaps the following eight strategies can assist you in protecting the Family safety of your "shelter in place" in the midst of any pandemic.

8 SURVIVAL TIPS ON RELATIONAL STRATEGIES IN A PANDEMIC:
  1. AFFIRM MORE THAN TWEAK! Now is not the time to be pointing out the mistakes of one another. ‘Shelter in Place’ is based upon the assumption that Home is Safe. Therefore, we must be intentional about creating an environment of emotional safety. Every one of us will at one time or another in our lives be weak, in need of comfort, we will be fragile emotionally or physically and we will even be wrong. Now is not the time to address the perceived history of wrongs done to us. Though we may be tempted to start tweaking each other in an effort to make changes, resist the urge to become a tweaker, as this will decrease the Safety in Shelter. Look for the good things that your family members are doing & voice them. It is very important for us all to look for the positive when we are surrounded with trouble and seemingly negativity. We all crave good news, appreciation and affirmation. It is normal to want these!  Breathe deeply & notice the good & smile….
  2. POLITENESS STARTS AT HOME! I am not sure when it happened, but over time, we have held onto our rights so fiercely that we have fallen short of some of the basics. Basics like ‘Please’ & ‘Thank You’ and ‘You are Welcome’. We do not hesitate to exercise politeness with our neighbors or co-workers, but we easily forget to start at home with kindness and gentleness and manners. This approach is proven to set the stage for a safety net when we spend a little too much time in each other’s space. Breathe deeply & be polite & smile….  
  3. LISTEN TO & COMFORT THE FEAR! It is a well-known fact among Marriage Counselors that attachment is built through an offering of vulnerability and comfort that is mutual. A willingness to admit what I fear and a willingness to listen to the fears of my family members is risky, but when it is received with comfort and compassion that is intentionally expressed it builds attachment and security. Parents, please hear me on this...our kids need our comfort not our anxiety. This does not require us to deceive them, but it does require us to assure them that we will figure this out together and that they are safe. Breathe deeply & listen carefully & smile….
  4. PRACTICE PLAYING & LAUGHING! When it is unavoidable to be in each other’s space, the risks of becoming easily irritable grows quickly!  The best antidote for this is to use your sense of humor! Remember how good it feels to have a belly laugh? Your kids do, because they naturally have a carefree approach to life, until of course when the responsibilities of life begin to choke out all memory of what it is like to play & laugh.  So, may we all take a chapter out of our kid’s lives, and laugh at ourselves, play a silly table game, or perhaps paly hide & seek! Your kids will remember it forever! Breathe deeply & have a good belly laugh & Smile….

View Part 2 for Tips 5-8.
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Meditations for preventing the past from driving the present

12/4/2019

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​M. Diane Pearce, Phd

Finding myself having an intense reaction to others, because I feel slighted, discarded, overlooked or without value warrants a renewal of practicing meditations on truth. This calls for an adjustment of my auto-pilot or muscle memory reactions. 

When someone says or does things that hurts me, it is time to consider and think on what I know to be true. Meditating on truth is a necessity!

 
Help me, Father, to remember and rest in the awareness that…

I know that Abba Father values me as His own, because He made me.
I know that Abba Father calls me by name, because He rescues me from myself.
I know that Abba Father calls me to do for others, because He equips me. 

 
I pray - Help me to remember and rest in the awareness of these truths, especially when I am hurt by the unavailability, abandonment, forgetfulness or unkindness of others. 

Help me when I am hurting to admit it to you, my heavenly Father, and to the other person when appropriate. Help me to do this without blaming, accusing, or labeling them or their actions. After all, I do not answer for their actions, I answer only for my own. Have mercy on them, as they do not know the effects of what they have done. 

Give me courage and strength to change my reactions to others.
Give me serenity to accept where they are at and that I do not know their circumstances in full.
Give me discernment to know the difference between what I can change and what I cannot change. 
Give me wisdom to only invest my thoughts and energy in changing what I am in control of, nothing more and nothing less.

If I am granted the right amount of courage, serenity, and discernment, I will be equipped to invest with those who are receptive, and I will also be able to ‘shake it off’ with those who are not receptive.

Help me to listen to the voice of truth and reason while never underestimating the power of my emotions. 

To ignore my emotion sets me up to have a spillover reaction towards others. To place too much value on emotion will lead me to isolate in hopes of avoiding discomfort. So, there is a delicate balance that I am incapable of managing on my own. This is the reason for me to be conscious of the ever-present help of my creator, my heavenly Father.
To be conscious of His presence, I choose to be mindful and fully tuned into His words more than any other words spoken by others.  

For further study: Scripture adapted from NIV Holy Bible, Hosea 6:8, Zephaniah 3:17, Matthew 10, 12 & 13. 

 
Warmly, ~dr P
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Hold Fast

8/8/2018

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M. Diane Pearce, Ph.D., LMFT

When doubts creep in or we grow tired and weary, God has some advice for us.  Abba Father knows best the ‘what’ and the ‘when’ of my needs more than I. Whether I am in want of recognition, comfort, or guidance, He tells me what to do, in no uncertain terms and with no candy coating. He is ‘to the point,’ time and time again! In Deuteronomy 10:20, He says “HOLD FAST”! We will be at peace if we can listen to His advice to us as His children.

H - Humility In the Soul

Humility puts into perspective how very little power I have & how much power He has. (Deut. 9:5-6)

O – OBEY GOD’S WAYS

Observing & Obeying His ways gives us strength to do what He has called us to do. (Deut. 11:8-13)

L – LAY CLAIM TO WHAT HE GIVES

Laying claim and holding onto what He calls us to do (and where He provides for us to do it), no matter how small the territory or how big, is an act of obedience. (Deut. 11:24-31)

D – DEFENDING and LOVING THOSE IN NEED

Because we all have been or will  become weak, poor, aged or alone, He asks us to defend and love those who are in need, following His example and command. (Deut. 10:17-20)

F – FEAR GOD ALONE

Having a fear of God that outweighs our fear of a circumstance or a person is the path to ensuring that I will not lose my way. (Deut. 6:13 and 11:12)

A – ASSURANCE COMES FROM GOD

Being assured by God requires that I see that my strength comes from His mighty power and outstretched arm. My confidence does not come from my own skills or integrity. (Deut. 9:3-4)

S – SERVE GOD’S AGENDA ONLY

Serving God’s agenda and being careful, lest I get distracted by what may even appear to be good, will ensure that the responsibilities and territory that God wants me to manage will be given to me by His strength. (Deut. 11:16-24)

T –TRUSTING IN HIS WAYS

Trusting in God’s redemption of myself and those I care for, more than I trust in my own logic, requires that I believe in His plan and in His Great Power. (Deut. 9:23-29)
Love the Lord your God, walk in His ways and Hold Fast to Him!
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Meditations for Preventing the past from driving the present

6/7/2018

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M. Diane Pearce, Ph.D., LMFT

Finding myself having an intense reaction to others, because I feel slighted, discarded, overlooked and without value warrants a renewal of practicing meditations on truth. This calls for an adjustment of my auto-pilot or muscle memory reactions. 

When someone says or does things that hurt me, it is time to consider and think on what I know to be true.  

Help me to remember and rest in the awareness that…
I know that God values me as His own, because He made me.
I know that God calls me by name, because He rescues me from myself.
I know that God calls me to do for others, because He equips me. 

Help me to remember and rest in the awareness of these truths, especially when I am hurt by the unavailability, abandonment, forgetfulness or unkindness of others. 
Help me when I am hurting to admit it to you, my heavenly Father, and to the other person when appropriate. Help me to do this without blaming, accusing, or labeling them or their actions. After all, I do not answer for their actions, I answer only for my own. Have mercy on them, as they do not know the effects of what they have done. 

Give me courage and strength to change my reactions to others.
Give me serenity to accept where they are at and what they are capable of in this relationship.
Give me discernment to know the difference between what I can change and what I cannot change. 
Give me wisdom to only invest my thoughts and energy in changing what I am in control of…nothing more and nothing less.

If I am granted the right amount of courage, serenity, and discernment, I will be equipped to invest with those who are receptive, and I will also be able to ‘shake it off’ with those who are not receptive.

Help me to listen to the voice of truth and reason while never underestimating the power of my emotions. 

To ignore my emotion sets me up to have a spillover reaction towards others. To place too much value on emotion will lead me to isolate in hopes of avoiding discomfort. So, there is a delicate balance that I am incapable of managing on my own. This is the reason for me to be conscious of the ever-present help of my creator, my heavenly Father.
To be conscious of His presence, I choose to be mindful and fully tuned into His words more than any other.  

For further study: Scripture adapted from NIV Holy Bible, Hosea 6:8, Zephaniah 3:17, Matthew 10, 12 & 13. 
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Habits of peaceful people

1/30/2017

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We live in peace when daily we….
  • Work with full engagement in every area that is provided.
  • Encourage others to avoid spending time without purpose.
  • Build up those who are timid or weak.
  • Practice patience & give the benefit of the doubt.
  • Set Boundaries that respect Dignity of self & others.
  • Avoid paying back wrong for wrong.
  • Show kindness with those around us.
  • Practice looking for the reasons for joy.
  • Pray when disappointed, aggravated & Blessed.
  • Practice Thankfulness inwardly & outwardly.
  • Test all things in order to discern good from evil.
  • Cling to what is morally good.
  • Avoid what is morally wrong.
 We live in Peace when we practice these habits & we remember our maker is the Keeper of our Soul. It is from the Soul that our true identity arises.
If we live in this way daily, we will feel the embrace of our Maker’s arms as we live a life that pleases Him.
When we delight in knowing our Maker, We will live in Peace…..
Derived from NIV Holy Bible, I Thessalonians 5:8-24

By: Dr. M. Diane Pearce, Ph.D., LMFT

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