​Do you find it challenging to communicate with your partner? Are you struggling to be intimate? Does even the smallest conversation or circumstance trigger both of you into an argument? The arrival of significant events such as Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, and birthdays often serves as a reminder that our relationship with our partner or spouse could use an infusion of something new! Perhaps it could include something that might draw us closer to each other; something that might help us get out of our unhealthy or destructive patterns. 

What we ultimately need in our most intimate relationship is a secure attachment in which we truly feel that our partner or spouse has our back. Therapists see “attachment” as a secure bond with another person, and within the context of a partner relationship it also includes knowing that your partner or spouse will turn toward you, give you attention, and provide comfort to you. The problem is that for all of us there are destructive patterns in relationships that can get in the way of having the secure attachment that we crave. Unhealthy patterns can include such things as criticism, resentment, contempt, defensiveness, conflict, and avoidance. 

The question that we are seeking to answer then is: “How do I start the process of changing these unhelpful patterns so that I can have a more secure attachment and better relationship with my partner or spouse?” While the answer to this question can be complicated and varied depending on circumstances that each person may be facing, there are some simple guidelines that I believe can jump start us all in the direction of healing attachment wounds with our partner and “choosing love.”

1.  I must Choose to see the good in my partner! I must believe that my partner is doing the best that they can with the resources that have available to them (including their own past relational history, family of origin history, attachment style, trauma, and attachment wounds). It is also true that there is always room for growth and improvement for all of us. Choosing to operate from this perspective often requires a shift in one’s thinking and it is also something that requires reciprocity where both partners choose to believe the best in each other rather than assuming the worst.
2. I must Choose to act in a manner that is worthy of my own respect! Perhaps, I can ask myself: “Who do I want to be in this story?  Do I want to be the victim of bad circumstances or someone who is resilient and determined to love well? How do I want to look back on myself in these circumstances in the future? Do I want to get revenge for the hurt that I have experienced, or do I want to be someone who is forgiving and full of grace? Do I want to give up when things get difficult or do I want to experience the joy of breakthrough and growth? Am I setting myself up to be the type of man or woman that I would respect?” 
3. I must Choose to lean in and move toward my partner. This is often the most difficult step, because when we are hurt we simply don’t want to move toward the offending party. But, love is a choice, and choosing to move toward someone even when we are in pain can be an extremely healing and rewarding process. At a minimum, it will disrupt the “normal” patterns of hurt, anger, resentment, and contempt that can creep in when we experience an attachment wound. 
4. I must Choose to manage my feelings in a manner that is consistent with who I am, not just how I feel. I must learn to express my feelings and myself with empathy for my partner and in a non-threatening way. We are all imperfect humans who have feelings. When we unleash our emotions and feelings as a tidal wave directed toward someone else it can often flood them so that they are overwhelmed with emotions that trigger a fight or flight response. We must choose to process the emotions separately and then attempt to connect and lean into our partner. One way to do this is by trying a softer approach to a difficult conversation in which I share something that I feel (emotion) about what happened and then ask my partner if he or she wanted me to feel this way. This allows them to hear our emotions more than an accusation.
5. We must Choose to validate our partner or spouse. We all want to feel loved, understood, and validated, and choosing to validate our partner can be as simple as expressing how a recent experience or conversation made us feel. Whenever we try to understand how someone else may feel we are attempting to connect with them empathically, and this can be an extremely healing experience for both people.

 
My hope and desire is that we will all begin to see the opportunities we have to choose love, to move toward our partner, and to better understand our partner’s feelings as well as our own. As we celebrate anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays may we each Choose to love deeply the one we have been entrusted to love! 

Today’s teens are growing up in a technology filled world. Whether we like it or not, this is our culture today. I scanned my brain just now regarding my own technology use, and it’s easy to find me answering emails, watching a TV show, and texting. Technology is all around us. Below I’ve listed five big ideas to help parents partner with your teen and discuss their best friend – technology.
 
Idea #1 Practice what you preach
“Double standards are confusing to young children and exasperating to teens.”
 
First, take a good look at your own technology use because your relationship with technology – or lack of relationship – will impact your relationship with your teen. Most adults are either (1) technology addicted themselves or (2) completely skeptical of technology. Recognizing where you fall on the continuum is a great start before discussing technology with your teen. If you are on your phone or answering work emails all night, it will be difficult to get your teenager off the computer games. We have to set the example.
 
Idea #2 Set Limits
“Excessive media use has been associated with obesity, lack of sleep, school problems, aggression, and other behavior issues.”
 
As a parent, ask yourself, “What is the comparison between the hours my child is interacting with a screen and interacting with me?” (Tough Question!) Help your teen make healthy choices by replacing their screen time with fun activities with you – like board game night, books, magazines, playing outside, or going for a walk. The kicker – this will require something of your time too! And you may be surprised to find out that your teen wants to spend more time with you.
 
Idea #3 Discuss a family plan
“As the parental authority in your family, you want to be a servant leader, not a tyrant.”
 
Sometimes, as adults, we don’t fully allow our teens to brainstorm with us. Plan a family meeting time to discuss technology - its uses, the harms of over-use, the favorite game or app your teen loves. When discussing setting family limits on technology use, remember to replace screen time with something else and collaborate as a family. Allow for flexibility. Remember limits are to benefit your family, not to divide you and your teen.
 
Idea #4 Guard their hearts
“Build a foundation with your teen so that when something negative happens, they can come to you.”
 
The majority of teens have Internet access almost all the time. However, there are many negative side affects to constant screen time – including acquired ADD, anxiety, sleep disturbance, aggression, eyestrain, and false intimacy. Be sure that when setting limits you are also aware of safe guards for your devices. Helpful tools like Net Nanny, SafeDNS, Kaspersky Safe Kids, and Covenant Eyes are available to aid you in guarding your child or teen’s media use.
 
Idea #5 Keep up with technology
“Your child is the first generation to brave this new world.”
 
If you want to practice what you preach, set limits, and guard your teen's heart, knowing about technology is a must for any parent. Ask your teen to teach you about technology. Keep up with the new games that they are playing. Ask other parents what they are doing to keep up with technology use and updates. Create a SnapChat or Instagram to check it out. Know that parenting a teen is a very, very good and holy work. There is grace when it comes to parenting teenagers, especially when technology is involved!

**Information adapted from Ten Tips for Parenting the Smartphone Generation by Gregory L. Jantz and CDC.gov. If you have comments or questions about any of the above, feel free to contact me. 

Think back on your adolescent years (between the ages of 13-24). Can you think of a time where you look back and say, “What was I thinking?” Of course you can! And I can too! (Hello, hair dying fiasco of 10th grade.) However, sometimes we have a difficult time understanding why the teens we love do what they do and say what they say. Adolescents make some (seemingly) crazy decisions and say some crazy things.
 
Between the ages of 12-25, the brain undergoes massive reorganization. Like a hardware or software upgrade on your computer, the adolescent brain goes through a season of “remodeling.” The good news is: the remodeled brain is faster, stronger, and smarter!
So yes, parents and teachers, this is a good thing!
 
During this time in brain development, changes are slow going, and more and more connections (through neural pathways) are made in the brain. The neural wires are firing quicker! This means that over time, teens experience better decision-making, better impulse-control, the ability to set long term goals, and the understanding of rules and ethics. (And we wonder why our teens are so tired! Their brains are working on overdrive!)
 
Key aspects of the adolescent’s developing brain are (1) sensation seeking, (2) risk taking, and (3) social reward and peer-approval seeking.

The decisions your teen’s brain makes are not random! The sensation seeking, the risk taking, and the social, peer-approval seeking - They all serve the purpose of making brain connections that lead to healthy development and relationships later in life.
 
As a parent, or a mentor to teens, you can help the brain do its job by encouraging your teen’s healthy independence and exploration of the world around them. And, yes, in a few short years, they will look back and most likely say, “What was I thinking??”

References: Baird, 2011; Dobbs & Cahana, 2011; Felix, 2017

The other day I was sitting at a red light. I wasn't in a particular hurry. I wasn't running late. Both nice changes of pace for me. But what I noticed was that my immediate reaction once I had stopped was to reach of my phone and see what I had missed, or better yet, if anyone had missed me and reached out. It's like I'm afraid to be alone with my own thoughts sometimes, so I just start flexing my thumbs for their workout.

Later that day, I was at the gym. I was pretty proud of myself - I was running hard, sweating...you know, doing things I pay a gym for...and I was in the moment. I was not running while staring at my phone. I was not lifting dumbbells while replying to texts in between reps. I was just in the moment. It was awesome. Better yet, it was freeing.

I had this thought - "I'm here training and conditioning my muscles, but it's my actual thumbs (Are there muscles in there? There has to be, right?) that need the most help. It's my thumbs that reach for the apps (Hello, Facebook!), for the notification of new emails, and for the keyboard letters to respond to a text. It's those dang thumbs fault I'm so addicted to my phone.

But it's actually not their fault; it's mine and no one else's. I'm the culprit who manipulates my thumbs to respond to the slightest break in my schedule to see what the world has been up to since I had last checked (no more than 12 minutes ago, I'm sure). It's my fault, and mine only. So me and my thumbs have got some work to do. Actually, I've got some work to do. My thumbs...they actually need a break. 

I was hiking with a friend the other day and apparently we got off the trail somehow. I call it lost, not exploring! The trail was clearly marked but we were not paying close attention to the signs, so we were not on the trail.

When I’m not listening to God’s sweet voice, I lose sight of God’s purpose and plan for my life. I tend to make choices that cause roadblocks to God's best for me.
 
We ended up going through unmarked territory of thorns, snakes, and unknown creatures, and I suddenly became distrusting of the friend who was leading us. Sticks were in my hair, spider webs in my face, YUCK! This friend kept showing me this little blue dot and it’s relationship to the red line and assured me we were close to the marked trail that we needed to be on. He actually told me the little blue dot said walk through 20 creek beds in 40-degree weather with my hiking boots on! What? Trust the little blue dot?? I became cold, tired, and frustrated, not to mention my toes were numb.
 
My fearless friend was patient with me and wanted to continue going down the path we were on. I became bossy, impatient and insisted we go another way instead of following that darn blue dot and where it said we needed to go. “No! I want to do it my way.”
 
Sooo, he allowed me to trudge off in a direction that was slippery and thickly wooded. After bleeding and having my jacket destroyed, my friend tried to show me the little blue dot again and its relationship to the red trail. I finally raised my voice and said,  “I don’t care about the little blue dot. I want to get to safety and a marked trail. I want to get to the waterfall.”  He let me go my own way again, but eventually I gave up. Ugh!!
 
I finally submitted to the little blue dot and my hiking buddy and we found the trail that led to a beautiful waterfall that was majestic, peaceful, and refreshing. Such a calming place to rest and see God’s workman ship. Trusting and not fighting against the little blue dot really did create less chaos and quickly got us to our final destination.
 
I chuckled as I thought about my life and the resistance I give God in regards to His path for my life. I don’t always trust Him. I want to do things my way. God lets me try my own way for sure, knowing those painful lessons will bring me back to His loving arms and the path that is best for me.
 
So now, when I think of the little blue dot, it reminds me that I don’t have to always do things on my own. I can trust God and other people.  I can enjoy the journey a little bit more knowing that His love is BIGGER and he just wants me to trust him in all things and enjoy the journey.