By: Savannah Higdon, MAIf I were a betting woman (which I am most definitely not because I have the WORST luck), I would bet that at some point in your life, you have made the statement, “I’m in a season of…” or “This season of life…”. Some seasons are wonderful, full of joy, prosperity, and laughter. But I’m sure we all know too well the not-so-wonderful seasons of life. That is exactly where I found myself not too long ago. I had just finished grad school, was newly engaged, and embarking on the start of my career. Many exciting life events were all happening at once. But in the thick of it all, I found myself struggling like never before. The reason I was struggling? I was in the thick of the people-pleasing cycle.
The people-pleasing cycle is defined as the loop of striving for validation and acceptance from others through pleasing them, despite the individual themselves, their values, wants, and what they need. I will use my situation as an example. In that season of life, I found that if I performed well, always said and did the “right” thing, was always a help and never a bother to others, then I could somehow control other’s feelings towards me and get rewarded in the form of praise, attention, words of affirmation, or just perceive that the other person is happy with me. And because I got rewarded, the vicious cycle would continue until I ran myself into the ground. What I had to stop and realize was that my worth was never tied up in what I could do for others, but from my Heavenly Father. Notice a keyword in the previous sentence. I had to stop. The ability to stop in the middle of the chaos of life is a key factor in mindfulness. If I had continued in my old people-pleasing patterns, then I would have never realized that my worth is secure and unchanging because Jesus died once and for all of my shortcomings, and ultimately, it only matters how HE feels about me and what HE says about me.
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By: Tray Tankersley, LMFTMany couples who courageously venture into my office describe their marriage relationship using some form of the phrase of this blog post - “this isn’t working.” And it’s true. And it’s INCOMPLETE. Many spouses remain unaware that “what’s not working” is what they personally do in the relationship. (As a side note - most spouses can describe with great detail and even pinpoint accurately the “what’s not working” in their partner’s behaviors.)
Almost always the INTENT of the moves each spouse makes in their relationship is meant to be helpful and protect the relationship. Both spouses who enter into a marriage has his or her strategies (or moves) to make relationships work. For instance, one person’s strategy might be to address every issue of dissatisfaction head-on, directly, in the moment, and stay after it doggedly until the matter resolves. Another’s strategy (or move) might be to pull away, give space for emotional regulation and calming, believing that once their spouse seems pacified, the matter has obviously concluded. That famous quote of the composition of the path to that dark, lonely place where the gnashing of teeth never ends comes to mind…The way to hell is paved with good intentions. The INTENTIONS of the moves spouses make on behalf of the relationship are good - in their unique way, they are fighting for the relationship. They are trying to love their spouse and also feel loved the way they know how. Their specific move (or strategy) has undoubtedly proved to be effective in their relationship history, which is why they continue to use it! Each spouse arrives at the marriage relationship with their moves, technically termed attachment strategies. Given how these moves have historically worked (in childhood in your family of origin or even in other relationships) for the spouses, they begin utilizing them with each other. But now, what used to work, doesn’t any more. So, the person who never ignores any issue in the relationship becomes more aggressive in their pursuit of a resolution. They protest louder, more vigorously. Eventually, this will work, they tell themselves,…until it does not. And the person who normally pulls away from emotionally charged interactions now pulls away more often and for longer periods. They tell themselves, this will work, eventually. My spouse will calm down soon…until they don’t. Each person, in his or her own mind is fighting for the relationship using the only strategy they know and which has, historically, proven effective…until it doesn’t. Their desires for the relationship are not malicious. The problem is not an absence of love or affection for their spouse. The problem is that each person in the marriage is facing a new reality - that what had once been an effective attachment strategy is now an ineffective attachment strategy. “This isn’t working…” You are correct. The relationship is not working - because the attachment strategies are not working. The moves spouses make to maintain the relationship, to bring security and stability to the relationship are not working. Unwittingly, the strategies actually add to the distress and insecurity. Marital therapy attempts to help spouses see and agree that the relationship is not working…and to remain open to hearing that their part, what they are doing to “help” the relationship, that (their attachment strategy) is also NOT WORKING! An openness to understanding that he or she may be utilizing ineffective attachment strategies will contribute significantly to the desired outcomes! |
Legacy Strategy BlogLegacy Strategy, Inc. is a private counseling practice in Kennesaw, Georgia.
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