BY: Tray Tankersley, APC, NCC, ThMYears ago, the medical field coined a phrase to describe symptoms pediatric nurses and doctors sadly encountered with their young patients. The medical workers noted weight or rate of weight gain that was significantly below that of children of the same age and sex. These observations were summarized in the phrase, failure to thrive.
Often the cause of failure to thrive is organic, tied to not taking in enough calories because of poor nutrition. However, the medical field also discovered non-organic (unrelated to nutrition) causes of failure to thrive. Research showed that even when children’s basic needs (food, clothing, shelter, diaper changes, baths) are met, if the child does not have an emotional connection (an attachment or bond) with another human being, the child will not thrive and sometimes, the child will not survive. Think about that! A child needs an emotional connection just as much as she needs food, shelter and clothing! What is connection? Think of connection as an emotional bonding that keeps loved ones close so that they will “be there” for us, emotionally, when we are in need. Sue Johnson (creator of Emotion Focused Therapy) writes, “In order to fully thrive, we all need someone to depend on, a loved one who can offer reliable emotional connection and comfort.” To develop cognitively, emotionally and physically, children need a strong, predictable, stable emotional connection. He needs this as much as he needs food, shelter and clothing. Guess what? Adults also need emotional connection! We NEVER grow out of our need for connection. We do not become adults and then all of a sudden don’t need to feel safe, loved and bonded to another. We are hardwired for connection…and this hardwiring and need never goes away, no matter how old we are! Obviously, as adults, we do not need to fed with bottles and we no longer need diapers. But the need to feel close to, connected with, bonded to, attached to another person…that need never goes away, no matter your age. Every conflict in a marriage relationship is really about ONE thing… Connection… Conflicts about dishes, parenting differences, sex, sharing details of life are really about being seen, being heard, being taken seriously, being considered. All of us want to know the same things about our spouse: does he care about me, does she appreciate how stressed I feel, does he really know how I am doing and how deeply this (behavior) affects me, does she listen to my concerns. Conflicts are cries for connection! And we all NEED connection!
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BY: M. Diane Pearce, Ph.D., Marriage & Family TherapistDo you like a good mystery? I always have enjoyed a good novel with twists and turns that are suspenseful, unpredictable and keep you on the edge of your seat till the final page! Figuring out the outcome before it is revealed is good entertainment to me! The more intrigue, the better the novel!
However, when it comes to real life, I am the opposite! I like to be prepared for what is next, I prefer no surprises, I want to be ready for the ‘what if’s’ in life and I admit that I tend to pride myself on being responsible (yes, just a touch of neurotic thinking)! On the surface this may appear to be good. But it is not realistic, and it sabotages my faith and trust in the one who knows the outcome better than us all. Healthy rhythms in our daily lives are important. My mentor has reminded me of this truth many times over. We all have rhythms, some healthy & some not so much! As I attempt to follow my mentor’s advice, these rhythms, habits, and expectations in life need to be re-assessed and adjusted to fit what is new. In my quest to adjust, questions need to be asked. So, when faced with what is new, I wonder, “Am I asking the right questions?”. My old questions sound something like this:
When we come upon a twist that is unexpected, we can complain, whine, try to understand why, pity ourselves & begin to strategize. Or we can begin to ask questions that will deepen our trust and anchor our souls in the one who knows the end of the story and the mystery of life itself! My new questions sound something like this:
Rhythms of Rest comes in knowing that I no longer am on a quest to understand life’s mysteries and that I can Trust in the one who knows, understands, and works all for my good and His glory. He will do this through what is painful and disappointing and heartbreaking. He is my Hope and my Stronghold. I resolve myself to rest in trusting the one who knows the end of the story and all the twists and turns along the way. He is my strength, and my mind is steadfast because of how powerful & all-knowing my God is. As our new year begins, won’t you join me in renewing your rhythms of rest and trust? Instead of embarking on a daily quest to figure it all out, we remember to rest in Him and to thank Him for every twist and turn because He is our ever-present help in times of trouble. His ways are better than my own. By: Amanda Carter, MA, LPC Four hundred years…the time between the Old Testament and the tangible presence of Jesus in the New Testament. It is reasonable to assume at that point, people had forgotten about a promised Messiah. And to be fair, 400 years is a really long time to wait! Just think of the past 2 years of living in a pandemic and how you have felt with all the unanswered questions and seemingly endless waiting it has brought. I would encourage you during this season of Advent to carve out time for both reflection and anticipation. Reflect on how you are feeling. Is there anything you have been waiting for and perhaps even given up on ever coming to fruition? Has this led to disappointment, discouragement, or even bitterness? Bring all of this reflection to the One who willingly came to earth to bring hope. Then, anticipate. As we age, we often give up dreaming, particularly big dreams. But Jesus’ birth shows us that he likes to bring light into darkness and awaken our dreams again. I personally enjoy going through this practice as I look at Christmas lights. Have you noticed that people seem to want to put up their trees and decorations earlier the past two years? I think in part, it is because we are desperate for beauty and joy, and something about those lights reminds us of the Light of the World. The lyrics of Matt Redman’s song, “These Christmas Lights” comes to mind-
“Sing again, the sacred song of How that star lit up the sky And how the world, lost in the darkness Felt the hope of, Heaven’s light Open my eyes; O heart believe The wonder of, that Christmas night Be born in me” Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! By: Jennifer McClellan, MA, NCC, APC, Therapist
A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to be part of a small Christian group. Our group met once a month for weekend trainings for nearly a year. Sunday mornings we worshiped together before the training began. We ended our worship by giving our instructor a number from 1-10. (10 being the highest and 1 being lowest). I loved this activity because we repeated it at the end of the day. Our numbers had increased by the late afternoon even if we were tired, hungry, and had long travel times back home to our families to start the new week. During our time together the group went through many events such as weddings, deaths, marital separations, engagements, moving, job changes, college workloads, travel, and much more. One Sunday morning, one of the members stated she was a 10! One who had just experienced a great loss unexpectedly while going through another difficult life event. We all inquired about her number – and she simply stated it was because of US – she was GRATEFUL to spend one weekend a month with a group that was using gratitude to change difficult situations into opportunities to build better attitudes! A moment of realization for us all – even during tough or sad times, we can shift our perspectives. I ask…what are You GRATEFUL for each day? Not just here in the Fall when the weather cools and we begin planning our holiday meals, travel plans, and shopping lists – but this season of life for you. I am sure you have heard, “Start each day with a grateful heart.” Give it some thought and ask yourself:
Beautiful things happen when you can let go of the negative and allow gratefulness and gratitude to take hold. “As we express gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” ~ John F. Kennedy A prayer for you from a member of my group: Lord we are so very thankful that you are full of mercy and grace. Help us to see and understand the depth of your love for us. May this knowledge spark gratefulness in our hearts and fullness in our lives. ~ A.C. By: M. Diane Pearce, LMFT, Founder/Consultant Legacy Strategy, Inc
While attending a recent funeral of a lady who left us far earlier than anyone expected, I was reminded of what a mentor said to me once, “You cannot lead others where you will not go”. My friend was a woman of extreme grace & loving grit. She was a leader of those who knew her. Every one of us leads someone by example of behavior (more than words). Since we all lead someone, the question is, how do we lead others? I have learned much about how not to lead, so as I write this, I am keenly aware of the fact that my most potent lessons in leadership have come when I am faced with the truth of my own weakness. The beauty and dilemma of weakness is that it reminds us of how utterly in need we are of the strength that comes from desperate dependence on God. Leading with grit & grace requires truth about self & others. Grit is forged when we face the thorns that are within. We all have at least one thorn. Though I have pleaded that God remove mine, I thank God for my thorns because they are what makes me most useable. Don’t get me wrong, thorns hurt! They do not make me happy, but they do bring me joy. They are persistently painful & can distract me from His purpose. Pain is never allowed without God having a way to use it for good. Joy comes when pain is used for good. Divinely appointed thorns are those items that never seem to leave us & facing our thorns enables us to get out of the way so that God may accomplish all the good that He has planned. Through His words He teaches & molds us when we face & surrender our thorns to His purposes. Thorns/Weakness:
It is when we are in pain that we are most likely to set aside our self-reliance, accomplishments, successes, and our superior attitude. Only in surrender can we have the peace that comes from truth that heals us. Facing our thorns forges our grit and not facing them forges our denial of truth. Grace is forged when we embrace His grace & extend His grace. We cannot give what has not yet been received. Grace is needed when we face our thorns and adjust our control. Adjusting for the sake of God’s purpose, as opposed to my own purpose requires a change in control. We are creatures of comfort and we do not like change. We like what we already know. Change requires:
When we face our true selves in change, we are faced with the reality of either resisting with our will or embracing His will. Letting go of what is comfortable & works like a well-oiled machine can be scary! Yet, because of His grace, we can let go of the comfortable and walk in faith as we re-assess our priorities. Peace does not come from keeping everything the same, but from walking in faith & staying focused on the truth that God shows us as we spend time in His word. Grace frees us of holding on for too long to people, circumstances, my rights, my things, my shame, failures or successes. These only lead to being stuck in the past without personal growth. Grace that is not yet received cannot be given to others. Leading will always prompt responses that are distracting. We may be elevated and praised for how we lead, but do not get distracted my friend! The praise of an audience is a fickle friend that will quickly turn to scrutiny when truth becomes uncomfortable. Do as Paul exemplified in the Bible. When the audience was listening, he spoke truth without fear & when they elevated him he reminded them of his humanness and pointed them to his source of truth and strength. Stick to the truth that God has shown you in the time you have spent in His word. Extend grace without watering down the truth and exercise grit without fear! He has you in His Hands! Stand for what is right and true and He will take care of the rest! (Further study: Genesis 50:20, Psalms 49:1-3, Psalms 51, Acts 14:14-15, 2 Cor. 12:7.) |
Legacy Strategy BlogLegacy Strategy, Inc. is a private counseling practice in Kennesaw, Georgia.
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