By: Tray Tankersley, LMFTAlthough dangerous to make a universally true declaration, I am willing to take the risk with this axiom: all people have attachment strategies. What this means is that all of us have our individual means to maintain connection relationally with others. When an important attachment, like one with a spouse, seems jeopardized because of conflict, possible conflict or a whisper of disappointment or anger all of us have our proven (to us) “move” to keep the bond or attachment safe and intact.
The overly simple categorization of these strategies places them in just two boxes. One of those boxes contain people who, when an issue arises in the relationship, they are going to pursue resolution, no matter what it takes. They have committed themselves (and their closest relationships) to that same path of bringing the issue to the proverbial table, sharing their beliefs, thoughts, emotions concerning the issue and ensuring that they get what they need - resolution. In the other box reside people who see themselves as being able to “go with the flow,” not make a big deal out of everything and even not make a big deal out of anything, if possible. Sitting at the aforementioned proverbial table is intense for these folks, something they would prefer to avoid. Sharing beliefs, thoughts and emotions only happens when forced by cajoling and nagging (pleading and begging). And when pushed hard enough for long enough, the emotions come, oh, do they ever! And the very thing (the emotional eruption) that these persons had been trying to avoid happens. Then they see it - hurt and pain rest in the face of their loved one. The motivation in the person who wants to deal with the issues that arise centers around making the relationship work. This is his way of fighting for the relationship. The motivation in the person who wants to stay away from high-pressure, emotional conversations and interactions centers around making the relationship work. This is her way of fighting for the relationship. Each of them have their way of protecting the relationship, making the relationship work, keeping the bond secure. Each of them have their own attachment strategy. Obviously, what makes it hard is that their attachment strategies are different! This is a big contributor to the marriage dissatisfaction. However, having disparate attachment strategies is not the sole reason for marriage unhappiness. Think about it - even if you and your spouse had the same attachment strategy, this is no guarantee that the relationship would not have disappointment. If you both withdrew from conversations during tension-filled moments, you can see how this would not automatically lead to marriage bliss. So, the solution is NOT that spouses be more aligned in their strategies. The solution is NOT that your spouse would become more like you. The solution is NOT to change your spouse, or to get the therapist to change your spouse. The solution is a secure attachment bond where each spouse confidently TRUSTS the other to safely respond to them, and to do all they can to meet the clearly articulated needs of each other. Part of TRUST is believing the best about another. So, a step towards building TRUST is that rather than seeing a spouse’s shutting down as a negative behavior, with a malicious intent to hurt, you see it more positively - as an attachment strategy deployed by your spouse as an attempt to keep the relationship safe. Rather than seeing a spouse’s relentless pursuit as a negative behavior, with a malicious intent to inflict pain through attacking, you see it more positively - as an attachment strategy deployed by your spouse as an attempt to keep the relationship healthy. PRO TIP - A reframe intervention is simple, conceptually. But that does not mean it’s easy to do, especially in moments of heightened anxiety. Reframes require emotionally regulated thinking, openness, curiosity and an ability to question assumptions. A brain not animated by anxiety can do it!
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By: Diane Pearce, PhD, LMFTWe are all born into this life with three core emotional/relational needs:
1) Security 2) Significance 3) Stability As we study the early years of infancy & childhood, we develop an understanding of where these needs are met. Children grow to understand that when their parents are nearby, they are more secure than when they are far away. Or, perhaps the security comes from another care-giver, like a grandparent. No matter who or where one should go to get these needs met, these elements influence our development early in life. If these three needs are met properly from our family of origin in the early years, then typically, our cognitive development progresses as it should and is not delayed. However, often times this is not the case. Sometimes this can contribute to a mental disorder or perhaps a reduced resiliency in the face of trauma. Anyone who did not get one of these needs met in childhood has the opportunity to have each of these needs met in relationship with our maker! It is God who makes us secure because He is always with us! (Holy Bible, NIV, Psalms 27:1, Isa. 49:16) It is God who makes us significant because He created us and sent His only son to die for us, so we must be important to Him! (Holy Bible, NIV, Psalms 139:13-14, Isa.43:4) It is God who makes us stable because He is our sufficiency! (Holy Bible, NIV, Isa. 46:3-4) We, as His children & His creation, can be secure, significant & stable! WE can find these in our relationship with Abba, Father! By: Kellie Bloye, Counseling Intern Every little girl grows up picturing their wedding day. The dress, the venue, the cake, and most importantly the person standing at the end of the altar. Our world does a great job of portraying this magical moment to be, well, a fairytale. A prince and a princess kind of moment. Yet, something that too many couples lose sight of as they spend months planning, preparing and ensuring every last detail is perfect, is that this season of engagement may just be one of the most important seasons of your relationship. There is nothing wrong with planning for your wedding day. In fact, planning a wedding is wonderful. It can be a sweet season of celebration and coordinating details. Yet, what if we put the same amount of emphasis on planning for the rest of the marriage as we do for the wedding day celebration? What if we asked important questions such as: “What expectations do you have for one another?” “What will our budget look like and who will be in charge of it?” “What will our daily schedule look like?” “Where will we live?” “How will we deal with conflict?” “How will we keep moving forward as a couple when life becomes stressful?” “How can I be the best spouse to you?” These are questions that can change a marriage before the marriage covenant even takes place. These real questions can lead to conversations that can help the transition between engaged and married go smoothly and help you both be prepared when real life happens. The fairytale wedding is what happens at the end of a movie; so we don’t see what happens after the fact, the reality is that marriage is challenging. It is indeed one of the most incredible gifts from the Lord to experience a small dose of his love through this beautiful covenant, but at the same time marriage can be challenging because life is challenging, but when we take the time to ask these questions, we can set our marriages up for utmost success. Just as we are called - as believers in Christ - to prepare for the day when we will meet our groom, Christ, so, too, must we also prepare for our marriage here on Earth. While your wedding day will be a beautiful day of celebration and love, that is just the beginning. So, as you prepare those last details and count down the days in anticipation of your big day, don’t forget to set aside some time to prepare for the marriage as well. Here are a few resources you may want to consider to help you with that: Ready or Knot, Scott Kedersha, Marriage After God, Aaron & Jennifer Smith, A Lasting Promise, Scott Stanley and Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Les & Leslie Parrott. Another great resource in helping you are your fiancé have these conversations is premarital counseling. Some of these conversations may be tough, but having a counselor to help guide you through the process can set you up for a successful marriage before you even say “I do.” By: Savannah Higdon, MAIf I were a betting woman (which I am most definitely not because I have the WORST luck), I would bet that at some point in your life, you have made the statement, “I’m in a season of…” or “This season of life…”. Some seasons are wonderful, full of joy, prosperity, and laughter. But I’m sure we all know too well the not-so-wonderful seasons of life. That is exactly where I found myself not too long ago. I had just finished grad school, was newly engaged, and embarking on the start of my career. Many exciting life events were all happening at once. But in the thick of it all, I found myself struggling like never before. The reason I was struggling? I was in the thick of the people-pleasing cycle.
The people-pleasing cycle is defined as the loop of striving for validation and acceptance from others through pleasing them, despite the individual themselves, their values, wants, and what they need. I will use my situation as an example. In that season of life, I found that if I performed well, always said and did the “right” thing, was always a help and never a bother to others, then I could somehow control other’s feelings towards me and get rewarded in the form of praise, attention, words of affirmation, or just perceive that the other person is happy with me. And because I got rewarded, the vicious cycle would continue until I ran myself into the ground. What I had to stop and realize was that my worth was never tied up in what I could do for others, but from my Heavenly Father. Notice a keyword in the previous sentence. I had to stop. The ability to stop in the middle of the chaos of life is a key factor in mindfulness. If I had continued in my old people-pleasing patterns, then I would have never realized that my worth is secure and unchanging because Jesus died once and for all of my shortcomings, and ultimately, it only matters how HE feels about me and what HE says about me. By: Tray Tankersley, LMFTMany couples who courageously venture into my office describe their marriage relationship using some form of the phrase of this blog post - “this isn’t working.” And it’s true. And it’s INCOMPLETE. Many spouses remain unaware that “what’s not working” is what they personally do in the relationship. (As a side note - most spouses can describe with great detail and even pinpoint accurately the “what’s not working” in their partner’s behaviors.)
Almost always the INTENT of the moves each spouse makes in their relationship is meant to be helpful and protect the relationship. Both spouses who enter into a marriage has his or her strategies (or moves) to make relationships work. For instance, one person’s strategy might be to address every issue of dissatisfaction head-on, directly, in the moment, and stay after it doggedly until the matter resolves. Another’s strategy (or move) might be to pull away, give space for emotional regulation and calming, believing that once their spouse seems pacified, the matter has obviously concluded. That famous quote of the composition of the path to that dark, lonely place where the gnashing of teeth never ends comes to mind…The way to hell is paved with good intentions. The INTENTIONS of the moves spouses make on behalf of the relationship are good - in their unique way, they are fighting for the relationship. They are trying to love their spouse and also feel loved the way they know how. Their specific move (or strategy) has undoubtedly proved to be effective in their relationship history, which is why they continue to use it! Each spouse arrives at the marriage relationship with their moves, technically termed attachment strategies. Given how these moves have historically worked (in childhood in your family of origin or even in other relationships) for the spouses, they begin utilizing them with each other. But now, what used to work, doesn’t any more. So, the person who never ignores any issue in the relationship becomes more aggressive in their pursuit of a resolution. They protest louder, more vigorously. Eventually, this will work, they tell themselves,…until it does not. And the person who normally pulls away from emotionally charged interactions now pulls away more often and for longer periods. They tell themselves, this will work, eventually. My spouse will calm down soon…until they don’t. Each person, in his or her own mind is fighting for the relationship using the only strategy they know and which has, historically, proven effective…until it doesn’t. Their desires for the relationship are not malicious. The problem is not an absence of love or affection for their spouse. The problem is that each person in the marriage is facing a new reality - that what had once been an effective attachment strategy is now an ineffective attachment strategy. “This isn’t working…” You are correct. The relationship is not working - because the attachment strategies are not working. The moves spouses make to maintain the relationship, to bring security and stability to the relationship are not working. Unwittingly, the strategies actually add to the distress and insecurity. Marital therapy attempts to help spouses see and agree that the relationship is not working…and to remain open to hearing that their part, what they are doing to “help” the relationship, that (their attachment strategy) is also NOT WORKING! An openness to understanding that he or she may be utilizing ineffective attachment strategies will contribute significantly to the desired outcomes! |
Legacy Strategy BlogLegacy Strategy, Inc. is a private counseling practice in Kennesaw, Georgia.
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