This Isn't Working

By: Tray Tankersley, LMFT

Many couples who courageously venture into my office describe their marriage relationship using some form of the phrase of this blog post - “this isn’t working.” And it’s true. And it’s INCOMPLETE. Many spouses remain unaware that “what’s not working” is what they personally do in the relationship. (As a side note - most spouses can describe with great detail and even pinpoint accurately the “what’s not working” in their partner’s behaviors.)

Almost always the INTENT of the moves each spouse makes in their relationship is meant to be helpful and protect the relationship. Both spouses who enter into a marriage has his or her strategies (or moves) to make relationships work. For instance, one person’s strategy might be to address every issue of dissatisfaction head-on, directly, in the moment, and stay after it doggedly until the matter resolves. Another’s strategy (or move) might be to pull away, give space for emotional regulation and calming, believing that once their spouse seems pacified, the matter has obviously concluded.

That famous quote of the composition of the path to that dark, lonely place where the gnashing of teeth never ends comes to mind…The way to hell is paved with good intentions.

The INTENTIONS of the moves spouses make on behalf of the relationship are good - in their unique way, they are fighting for the relationship. They are trying to love their spouse and also feel loved the way they know how. Their specific move (or strategy) has undoubtedly proved to be effective in their relationship history, which is why they continue to use it!

Each spouse arrives at the marriage relationship with their moves, technically termed attachment strategies. Given how these moves have historically worked (in childhood in your family of origin or even in other relationships) for the spouses, they begin utilizing them with each other. But now, what used to work, doesn’t any more.

So, the person who never ignores any issue in the relationship becomes more aggressive in their pursuit of a resolution. They protest louder, more vigorously. Eventually, this will work, they tell themselves,…until it does not. And the person who normally pulls away from emotionally charged interactions now pulls away more often and for longer periods. They tell themselves, this will work, eventually. My spouse will calm down soon…until they don’t.

Each person, in his or her own mind is fighting for the relationship using the only strategy they know and which has, historically, proven effective…until it doesn’t. Their desires for the relationship are not malicious. The problem is not an absence of love or affection for their spouse. The problem is that each person in the marriage is facing a new reality - that what had once been an effective attachment strategy is now an ineffective attachment strategy.

“This isn’t working…”

You are correct. The relationship is not working - because the attachment strategies are not working. The moves spouses make to maintain the relationship, to bring security and stability to the relationship are not working. Unwittingly, the strategies actually add to the distress and insecurity.

Marital therapy attempts to help spouses see and agree that the relationship is not working…and to remain open to hearing that their part, what they are doing to “help” the relationship, that (their attachment strategy) is also NOT WORKING! An openness to understanding that he or she may be utilizing ineffective attachment strategies will contribute significantly to the desired outcomes!