I genuinely enjoy all 4 seasons, but fall is hands down the one the stands above the rest for me.  The cooler temps, clothes like sweaters and boots, college football, seasonal food like chili & s’mores, and getting lost in corn mazes are all reasons why I like the fall the best.  However, the biggest reason of all is the changing of the leaves.  In Georgia it seems that the leaves generally start to change in late September, but the “peak” fall colors occur typically in late October/early November.  Seeing the leaves in the multi-color hues and then watching them fall to the ground is just magical.

As a Christian, I believe God created all things for a reason(s).  So I have to ask myself what can I learn about the nature of God in this season and what could possibly be applicable to how I live my daily life.  The vibrance of multiple colors leads me to think how much God appreciates diversity and playfulness.  He could have chosen to make the leaves one color year-round, but He didn’t.  In interacting with others, it is helpful to appreciate diversity and realize that while we as humans share some fundamental core things, we are also uniquely made. (Matthew 10:29-31).

In terms of the leaves falling to the ground, I wonder, “What do I need to let go of?”  Likely we all need to let go of something, perhaps even daily.  It could be something small like what color to paint the room, or it could be something much weightier like letting go of unforgiveness towards someone who has harmed me.

Recently, someone told me that she had an epiphany one day that for her sake she needed to forgive her father who abused her.  Her father had never acknowledged the abuse to her or anyone else.  When she had put healthy boundaries in place between her and her father, others in the family judged her for it.  She had every reason to hold onto her anger towards him.  Yet, she realized that while justly she could do so, that unforgiveness was causing herself more harm emotionally and physically than good.  So, she forgave her dad.  Was this easy?  Absolutely not.  Does that mean she wants to reconcile the relationship with her father.  No.  He is still unhealthy in his denial.  What it does mean though is that she has unburdened herself and no longer is controlled by the anger she has carried for so long.  (Matthew 6:14-15)

Some of us might be decent at letting go of the past but what about letting go of the future?  I personally have to “check” myself on this one and as John Eldridge would say practice “benevolent detachment.”  What does benevolent detachment mean?  It means that while we are on this earth in our physical bodies, we experience much pressure and demands.  Yet, it is still possible to live connected to the water of life in God’s presence if we release everyone and everything to Him: past, present, and future.  Benevolent detachment doesn’t mean we don’t care.  It is quite the opposite.  It is acknowledging that we care very much but realize we are not in charge.  However, we are connected to the One who knows how much (fill in the blank) means to me thus (fill in the blank) means to Him also.

So, the challenge is to release, let go of those worries and cares to the one who was, is and is to come.  Then, we can go outside and truly enjoy the fall of the leaves.

​By: Tray Tankersley, LMFT

Powerful, efficacious and ubiquitous describe the therapeutic intervention, reframing. Additionally, the intervention name communicates the intuitively obvious goal of a clinical reframing. Simply put, when a therapist reframes in session, she encourages and challenges her client to view a behavior, an event, a circumstance differently.

When I am able to provide a good reframing intervention, clients will respond with “I never thought about it like that” or “I need some time to reflect.” By the way, it is not because of my or any other therapist’s intelligence that leads to a reframing for the client. The primary reason therapists can reframe in session is because they possess just enough emotional distance from the given situation. When a human being is “in the thick of it,” under stress and pressure, feeling anxious or concerned, the brain becomes less elastic and nimble. Instead, the brain becomes more restricted, more rigid, less open to alternatives and possibilities. Biologically, brain flow to our brain restricts and our ability to identify other options degrades.

Reframes target interpretations of life events. Part of being human includes our attempts to interpret life events, to “make sense of” our lives and what is happening around us, to us, or in us. And when it comes to the most important relationship in our lives - the one with our spouse - making sense of interactions and communications is obviously critical. We cannot help but feel compelled to understand as fully as possible what our spouse is saying or doing.

When insecurity and a lack of cohesion invade a marriage bond, the stress and pressure increase. And remember what I wrote earlier, the added strain, biologically, make humans less open to alternate possibilities. Thus the meaning-making spouses do with each other in times of stress gets colored by the shakiness in the attachment. Spouses draw conclusions (make sense of/interpret) without much reflection and without capacity to challenge their narratives - narratives influenced by insecurity, lack of cohesion and connection, and an inability to believe the best about the spouse.

My clients who may be reading this article will recognize verbiage I use consistently in sessions - “this was the story you told yourself…” I use that phrase with clients as an attempt to help raise their awareness of the differences between what happened (or what was said) and the story they told themselves about what happened or what was said. I am challenging the client to differentiate the event from their interpretation of the event. With this line of intervention, I am additionally challenging clients to distinguish between emotions they felt during an incident and the meaning “they made” (their interpretation) of the interaction.

Quite possibly, the often unquestioned meaning one spouse attributed to a comment, interaction or behavior ends up being incorrect. For instance, the meaning you gave to your spouse’s withdrawal from the conversation was she does not care about you, about your feelings or thoughts, or your perspective.

A reframe might look something like - she withdrew from the conversation because she hoped some distance between the two of you might help you calm down, give you space and time to regulate your emotions and process internally without her being too close to you (because, after all, she seems to be the source of your angst and negative emotions). So rather than seeing her withdrawal as a negative behavior, it is reframed as a positive step taken by your spouse as an attempt to keep the relationship intact and to even be of help to you.

PRO TIP - A reframe intervention is simple, conceptually. But that does not mean it’s easy to do, especially in moments of heightened anxiety. Reframes require emotionally regulated thinking, openness, curiosity and an ability to question assumptions. A brain not animated by anxiety can do it!

Although dangerous to make a universally true declaration, I am willing to take the risk with this axiom:  all people have attachment strategies. What this means is that all of us have our individual means to maintain connection relationally with others. When an important attachment, like one with a spouse, seems jeopardized because of conflict, possible conflict or a whisper of disappointment or anger all of us have our proven (to us) “move” to keep the bond or attachment safe and intact.

The overly simple categorization of these strategies places them in just two boxes. One of those boxes contain people who, when an issue arises in the relationship, they are going to pursue resolution, no matter what it takes. They have committed themselves (and their closest relationships) to that same path of bringing the issue to the proverbial table, sharing their beliefs, thoughts, emotions concerning the issue and ensuring that they get what they need - resolution.

In the other box reside people who see themselves as being able to “go with the flow,” not make a big deal out of everything and even not make a big deal out of anything, if possible. Sitting at the aforementioned proverbial table is intense for these folks, something they would prefer to avoid. Sharing beliefs, thoughts and emotions only happens when forced by cajoling and nagging (pleading and begging). And when pushed hard enough for long enough, the emotions come, oh, do they ever! And the very thing (the emotional eruption) that these persons had been trying to avoid happens. Then they see it - hurt and pain rest in the face of their loved one.

The motivation in the person who wants to deal with the issues that arise centers around making the relationship work. This is his way of fighting for the relationship.

The motivation in the person who wants to stay away from high-pressure, emotional conversations and interactions centers around making the relationship work. This is her way of fighting for the relationship.

Each of them have their way of protecting the relationship, making the relationship work, keeping the bond secure. Each of them have their own attachment strategy. Obviously, what makes it hard is that their attachment strategies are different! This is a big contributor to the marriage dissatisfaction. However, having disparate attachment strategies is not the sole reason for marriage unhappiness.

Think about it - even if you and your spouse had the same attachment strategy, this is no guarantee that the relationship would not have disappointment. If you both withdrew from conversations during tension-filled moments, you can see how this would not automatically lead to marriage bliss.

So, the solution is NOT that spouses be more aligned in their strategies. The solution is NOT that your spouse would become more like you. The solution is NOT to change your spouse, or to get the therapist to change your spouse.

The solution is a secure attachment bond where each spouse confidently TRUSTS the other to safely respond to them, and to do all they can to meet the clearly articulated needs of each other.

Part of TRUST is believing the best about another. So, a step towards building TRUST is that rather than seeing a spouse’s shutting down as a negative behavior, with a malicious intent to hurt, you see it more positively - as an attachment strategy deployed by your spouse as an attempt to keep the relationship safe. Rather than seeing a spouse’s relentless pursuit as a negative behavior, with a malicious intent to inflict pain through attacking, you see it more positively - as an attachment strategy deployed by your spouse as an attempt to keep the relationship healthy.

PRO TIP - A reframe intervention is simple, conceptually. But that does not mean it’s easy to do, especially in moments of heightened anxiety. Reframes require emotionally regulated thinking, openness, curiosity and an ability to question assumptions. A brain not animated by anxiety can do it!

We are all born into this life with three core emotional/relational needs:
1) Security 
2) Significance
3) Stability 

As we study the early years of infancy & childhood, we develop an understanding of where these needs are met.  Children grow to understand that when their parents are nearby, they are more secure than when they are far away. Or, perhaps the security comes from another care-giver, like a grandparent.

No matter who or where one should go to get these needs met, these elements influence our development early in life. 
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If these three needs are met properly from our family of origin in the early years, then typically, our cognitive development progresses as it should and is not delayed. However, often times this is not the case. Sometimes this can contribute to a mental disorder or perhaps a reduced resiliency in the face of trauma. 

Anyone who did not get one of these needs met in childhood has the opportunity to have each of these needs met in relationship with our maker!

It is God who makes us secure because He is always with us!
(Holy Bible, NIV, Psalms 27:1, Isa. 49:16)
It is God who makes us significant because He created us and sent His only son to die for us, so we must be important to Him! 
​(Holy Bible, NIV, Psalms 139:13-14, Isa.43:4)
It is God who makes us stable because He is our sufficiency!
(Holy Bible, NIV, Isa. 46:3-4)

We, as His children & His creation, can be secure, significant & stable! WE can find these in our relationship with Abba, Father! 

​By: Kellie Bloye, Counseling Intern

​Every little girl grows up picturing their wedding day. The dress, the venue, the cake, and most importantly the person standing at the end of the altar.  Our world does a great job of portraying this magical moment to be, well, a fairytale. A prince and a princess kind of moment.

Yet, something that too many couples lose sight of as they spend months planning, preparing and ensuring every last detail is perfect, is that this season of engagement may just be one of the most important seasons of your relationship.

There is nothing wrong with planning for your wedding day. In fact, planning a wedding is wonderful. It can be a sweet season of celebration and coordinating details. Yet, what if we put the same amount of emphasis on planning for the rest of the marriage as we do for the wedding day celebration?

What if we asked important questions such as:

“What expectations do you have for one another?”

“What will our budget look like and who will be in charge of it?”

“What will our daily schedule look like?”

“Where will we live?”

“How will we deal with conflict?”

“How will we keep moving forward as a couple when life becomes stressful?”

“How can I be the best spouse to you?”

These are questions that can change a marriage before the marriage covenant even takes place. These real questions can lead to conversations that can help the transition between engaged and married go smoothly and help you both be prepared when real life happens.

The fairytale wedding is what happens at the end of a movie; so we don’t see what happens after the fact, the reality is that marriage is challenging. It is indeed one of the most incredible gifts from the Lord to experience a small dose of his love through this beautiful covenant, but at the same time marriage can be challenging because life is challenging, but when we take the time to ask these questions, we can set our marriages up for utmost success.

Just as we are called - as believers in Christ - to prepare for the day when we will meet our groom, Christ, so, too, must we also prepare for our marriage here on Earth. While your wedding day will be a beautiful day of celebration and love, that is just the beginning.

So, as you prepare those last details and count down the days in anticipation of your big day, don’t forget to set aside some time to prepare for the marriage as well.  Here are a few resources you may want to consider to help you with that: Ready or Knot, Scott Kedersha, Marriage After God, Aaron & Jennifer Smith, A Lasting Promise, Scott Stanley and Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Les & Leslie Parrott.  Another great resource in helping you are your fiancé have these conversations is premarital counseling. Some of these conversations may be tough, but having a counselor to help guide you through the process can set you up for a successful marriage before you even say “I do.”