​Last October, my wife and I were on a hike in the Shenandoah Valley. It was cool. All the fall colors that people hope and wait to see were on full display. We were trekking up a sharp incline, and the higher we climbed the views just got better and better. Each step taken had more to see, more beauty to be in awe of, and more to be grateful for.
 
But I wasn’t feeling any of those emotions. I wasn’t in awe. I sure wasn’t in a grateful mood. The best word to describe that mood at the time was ticked.
 
Leave it to me to have some of my most frustrating moments at ten thousand feet with God’s majesty in all directions.  To the North – annoyance. To the South – anger. East – outrage. And west – righteous indignation.
 
I started sharing with Amanda (that’s my wife) about what was on my heart, including a good bit of anger towards someone who I felt had both hurt me and left a void since. This wasn’t the first time she had listened to my frustrations regarding this same person. Nor the second. Nor the third.
 
Amanda’s words that came next are something I hope I don’t ever forget. She compassionately and directly said – “You’ve got to stop doing this to yourself - torturing yourself. You can either go and tell them what they did that has you so upset, or you can (with God’s help) make peace with them in your heart, forgive them and move on. But what you’re doing to yourself right now isn’t good…”
 
That wasn’t the mountain top experience I thought I would have that day, but time and time again I have thought about her words and their implications. Here’s how I’ve summarized it in my head:
 

• Go left (Matthew 18:15) – If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.

 

• Go right (Romans 12:18) – If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, be at peace with everyone.

 

• Or stay in the ‘tortuous middle’ and do nothing but suffer.

 
The middle is often a comfortable place to be. If you’re the middle child, you have someone older to protect you and someone younger to look out for. If you’re middle class, you typically have a roof over your head and enough food to eat. Middle America is a desired place to live for a lot of folks who want a simple and less hassled way of life.
 
But this ‘middle’ was different, and definitely not comfortable. It was more akin to being in the middle seat of a cross county plane ride and on both sides of you are two WWE wrestlers who take up all the air and hog the armrests. Cozy and comfortable – uh, no. Claustrophobic and miserable – yes and amen.
 
We can’t avoid or navigate around pain and hurt in our lives. We’re all prone to hurt others and be hurt as well. But I believe God has given us a clear plan on how to reconcile our hurts and frustrations with each other. It can be hard and take a lot of sacrifice…
 
But it sure beats being stuck in the middle seat…

Years ago, the medical field coined a phrase to describe symptoms pediatric nurses and doctors sadly encountered with their young patients. The medical workers noted weight or rate of weight gain that was significantly below that of children of the same age and sex. These observations were summarized in the phrase, failure to thrive.

Often the cause of failure to thrive is organic, tied to not taking in enough calories because of poor nutrition. However, the medical field also discovered non-organic (unrelated to nutrition) causes of failure to thrive. Research showed that even when children’s basic needs (food, clothing, shelter, diaper changes, baths) are met, if the child does not have an emotional connection (an attachment or bond) with another human being, the child will not thrive and sometimes, the child will not survive.
 
Think about that!
 
A child needs an emotional connection just as much as she needs food, shelter and clothing! What is connection?
Think of connection as an emotional bonding that keeps loved ones close so that they will “be there” for us, emotionally, when we are in need. Sue Johnson (creator of Emotion Focused Therapy) writes, “In order to fully thrive, we all need someone to depend on, a loved one who can offer reliable emotional connection and comfort.”
 
To develop cognitively, emotionally and physically, children need a strong, predictable, stable emotional connection. He needs this as much as he needs food, shelter and clothing.
 
Guess what?
 
Adults also need emotional connection! We NEVER grow out of our need for connection. We do not become adults and then all of a sudden don’t need to feel safe, loved and bonded to another. We are hardwired for connection…and this hardwiring and need never goes away, no matter how old we are!
 
Obviously, as adults, we do not need to fed with bottles and we no longer need diapers.
 
But the need to feel close to, connected with, bonded to, attached to another person…that need never goes away, no matter your age.
 
Every conflict in a marriage relationship is really about ONE thing…
 
Connection…
 
Conflicts about dishes, parenting differences, sex, sharing details of life are really about being seen, being heard, being taken seriously, being considered. All of us want to know the same things about our spouse: does he care about me, does she appreciate how stressed I feel, does he really know how I am doing and how deeply this (behavior) affects me, does she listen to my concerns.
 
Conflicts are cries for connection! And we all NEED connection!

​Do you like a good mystery? I always have enjoyed a good novel with twists and turns that are suspenseful, unpredictable and keep you on the edge of your seat till the final page! Figuring out the outcome before it is revealed is good entertainment to me! The more intrigue, the better the novel!

However, when it comes to real life, I am the opposite! I like to be prepared for what is next, I prefer no surprises, I want to be ready for the ‘what if’s’ in life and I admit that I tend to pride myself on being responsible (yes, just a touch of neurotic thinking)!  On the surface this may appear to be good. But it is not realistic, and it sabotages my faith and trust in the one who knows the outcome better than us all.  

Healthy rhythms in our daily lives are important. My mentor has reminded me of this truth many times over. We all have rhythms, some healthy & some not so much! As I attempt to follow my mentor’s advice, these rhythms, habits, and expectations in life need to be re-assessed and adjusted to fit what is new. In my quest to adjust, questions need to be asked. So, when faced with what is new, I wonder, “Am I asking the right questions?”.  

My old questions sound something like this:

• “Why me? & Why do others not have to go through this?”
• “Why is God not answering my prayers when I have prayed so diligently?”
• “Shouldn’t my character/morals/way of life have prevented this debacle?”
• “How do I make sense of this?”
• “Where is this going to lead me?”

When we come upon a twist that is unexpected, we can complain, whine, try to understand why, pity ourselves & begin to strategize. Or we can begin to ask questions that will deepen our trust and anchor our souls in the one who knows the end of the story and the mystery of life itself!

My new questions sound something like this:

• “Why not me & what really makes anyone exempt from this?”
• “What is there for me to learn about myself & my view of others?”
• “Does my pride cause me to stand on my rights?”
• “How can I reflect God’s ways in my response to this apparent debacle?”
• “How do I trust that God has a plan for those that I love and His ways are not my ways?”

Rhythms of Rest comes in knowing that I no longer am on a quest to understand life’s mysteries and that I can Trust in the one who knows, understands, and works all for my good and His glory. He will do this through what is painful and disappointing and heartbreaking. He is my Hope and my Stronghold.
​
I resolve myself to rest in trusting the one who knows the end of the story and all the twists and turns along the way. He is my strength, and my mind is steadfast because of how powerful & all-knowing my God is. As our new year begins, won’t you join me in renewing your rhythms of rest and trust? Instead of embarking on a daily quest to figure it all out, we remember to rest in Him and to thank Him for every twist and turn because He is our ever-present help in times of trouble. His ways are better than my own. 

​Four hundred years…the time between the Old Testament and the tangible presence of Jesus in the New Testament. It is reasonable to assume at that point, people had forgotten about a promised Messiah.  And to be fair, 400 years is a really long time to wait!  Just think of the past 2 years of living in a pandemic and how you have felt with all the unanswered questions and seemingly endless waiting it has brought. I would encourage you during this season of Advent to carve out time for both reflection and anticipation.  Reflect on how you are feeling.  Is there anything you have been waiting for and perhaps even given up on ever coming to fruition?  Has this led to disappointment, discouragement, or even bitterness?  Bring all of this reflection to the One who willingly came to earth to bring hope.  Then, anticipate.  As we age, we often give up dreaming, particularly big dreams.  But Jesus’ birth shows us that he likes to bring light into darkness and awaken our dreams again.  I personally enjoy going through this practice as I look at Christmas lights.  Have you noticed that people seem to want to put up their trees and decorations earlier the past two years?  I think in part, it is because we are desperate for beauty and joy, and something about those lights reminds us of the Light of the World.  The lyrics of Matt Redman’s song, “These Christmas Lights” comes to mind-
 
“Sing again, the sacred song of
How that star lit up the sky
And how the world, lost in the darkness
Felt the hope of, Heaven’s light
Open my eyes; O heart believe
The wonder of, that Christmas night
Be born in me”
 
Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

​ 
A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to be part of a small Christian group.  Our group met once a month for weekend trainings for nearly a year.  Sunday mornings we worshiped together before the training began.  We ended our worship by giving our instructor a number from 1-10.  (10 being the highest and 1 being lowest).  I loved this activity because we repeated it at the end of the day.  Our numbers had increased by the late afternoon even if we were tired, hungry, and had long travel times back home to our families to start the new week. 
 
During our time together the group went through many events such as weddings, deaths, marital separations, engagements, moving, job changes, college workloads, travel, and much more.  One Sunday morning, one of the members stated she was a 10!  One who had just experienced a great loss unexpectedly while going through another difficult life event.  We all inquired about her number – and she simply stated it was because of US – she was GRATEFUL to spend one weekend a month with a group that was using gratitude to change difficult situations into opportunities to build better attitudes! 
 
A moment of realization for us all – even during tough or sad times, we can shift our perspectives.
 
I ask…what are You GRATEFUL for each day?  Not just here in the Fall when the weather cools and we begin planning our holiday meals, travel plans, and shopping lists – but this season of life for you. 
 
I am sure you have heard, “Start each day with a grateful heart.”
Give it some thought and ask yourself:

• What is my number today?
• Do I have opportunities to bring my number up? 
• Can I shift my attitude?

 
Beautiful things happen when you can let go of the negative and allow gratefulness and gratitude to take hold. 
 
“As we express gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” ~ John F. Kennedy
 
A prayer for you from a member of my group:
Lord we are so very thankful that you are full of mercy and grace.
Help us to see and understand the depth of your love for us. 
May this knowledge spark gratefulness in our hearts and fullness in our lives.  ~ A.C.